Congratulations on the new you! It’s quite an accomplishment to completely reinvent yourself at this point, to start over and rid yourself of all those things that were holding you back. But I have some news for you. It’s all an illusion. You can and will not fundamentally change.
I know. It’s disappointing. But deep down I know you are not surprised. I’ve gone through the same thing, and I’m here to tell you: At this point we are who we are. We can pray and strive and read and try out new methods, but nothing will really fix us. That’s the bad news, or at least I suppose you could look at it that way.
The good news is we can improve. We can become better versions of who we are. How do we do this? I don’t know, but I have some theories.
Worry less about your daily methods and practices and habits. Instead focus on the inner flame, the deepest parts of your self that you want to honor and keep alive, be it family, God, creative visions, personal truths, creative projects, visions of beauty. Keep your gaze above the immediate surroundings, over the city, past the next year of appointments and disappointments, to the beyond, the mountains, a glimpse of the sea, the face of the creator, the flash of the eternal. If you close your eyes and breathe and open up a new line of sight, the rest will, in time, fall into place.
You are strange and creative person, subject to forces of inspiration and despair, quick fluctuations in mood that work unpredictably and mysteriously. Any other influences you introduce may temper or enhance these conditions, but they can not conjure or recreate them out of scratch. There are potions that should only be used when the need is most great, or the conditions just so. Strive for self-animation. Ride the tailwinds when you find them. Your ability to fly is not an illusion, but it is only granted so often. You will have to travel in bursts.